One day i am to die.

one day i am to die,
promise me you won't cry!

all our memories,
are safe in my diaries..

try to ask for them,
as they were my lifetimes gem..

i closed my eyes thinking of you,
i expect you to make all my dreams come true..

i fell in love with the touch of your hand,
want you to put flowers on my grave and make my smile expand..

if ever you want to feel me,
and wish to see me..

just close your eyes,
and feel me and my love that never dies..

one day i am to die,
promise me you won't cry

When you are like me, your life is in only 2 colors …. Black ….. White ….. u dream of colors…. the Technicolor dream ….. but a dream was always only a dream. All else is a rude shock …. Waiting to jar ur emotions (if you have any left) and …. And renders your mind a numb, useless piece of flesh…. And in that state of shock and disbelief you are made to make decisions that affect your whole sense of being… physically and meta-physically….. but still you make them…. And live with them….. and bear them everyday … and you hate yourself everyday for being your own grim reaper….

You are lost in a haze of disillusioned and discomforting thoughts …… your mind drifts from reality to fiction so often you seem to frget where the distinction starts. And then……. Then you forget….. forget how it is to feel ….. how it is to want smthng…. How it is to want to be someone….. how it was when u smiled with your eyes and how it was when you saw the smallest thing in the world and smiled…. U don’t know when it’s gonna end ….

Point of no return

Passing the point of return doesn't just happen; it's a choice that we make. A line we decide to cross and then we live with the consequences. There are no promises of a positive outcome, no guarantees. All we can really count on is that things will change and we will have to live with the consequences. And that’s the hard part, because we are defined by our past. We can rethink our choices a million times but what we decide we own it, becomes a part of who we are. While we may be crossing the river, our footprints will always remain on the other side.

Trapped

Ever heard of being trapped inside your own body? huh! ask me.the price i pay for this awkward peice of flesh and blood which seems to have no connectiom with Me,its too high. The feeling of suffocation, the endless suffering, the knowledge of something lesser,something that is inferior, an the guilt of it all just doesnt leave.....like a mist of dense smog it engulfs me. From every side i am surrounded....... where and when my sense of aleination was born, how it all began, jus when an how i sowed the seeds for my own doom...i am clueless. But the pain that surges in my every corner today, which stands guard as i work, eyes me lustly while i rest and laugh, an makes love to me every night, that pain is the consequence of my biggest crime--the crime of murdering myself .Slowly and secretly but surely. I am so skilfull at losing control of myself. did it today an yesterday an the day b4...always promise myself dat this day won't be like the rest, that i'll make it, today i'll shed off my false skin and jus be Me. But the image somewhere in the back of my mind is too vague to take over. Promising but too weak to reach the surface. It just sinks back to the bottom of the ocean every night. The Hidden Ocean.That sighs silently. Who am i? What do I want? Whose my culprit? Is this life worth living?

How I needed you, how I bleed now you're gone. In my dreams I see you I awake so alone.
I know you didn't want to leave your heart yearned to stay but the strength I always loved in you finally gave way.
Somehow I knew you would leave me this way, somehow I knew you could never stay and in the early morning light after a silent peaceful night you took my heart away and I grieve.
In my dreams I can see you I can tell you how I feel In my dreams I can hold you and it feels so real.
I still feel the pain, I still feel your love, I still feel the pain, I still feel your love.
I wished, I wished you could have stayed.

The Conflict

The knots in my stomach. Its doing somersaults. I swear. I am not unhappy. Just scared. Scared of my happiness if you know what I mean. I have learnt that a single smile leads to a thousand tears. I have felt this pain so many times before. It’s too agonizing... I just don’t want to suffer again. So I am scared. My own feelings betray me. Somewhere inside I am getting the knack that I don’t really deserve this happiness. As if no matter what those words will have me believe, how many jokes I share, how much laughter echoes in the night....it doesn’t really change the fact that I’m a nobody. That I belong nowhere. That my past is nothing but a torturing, horrendous nightmare, my present nothing but utter confusion and my future nothing but a dark and treacherous abyss. Ahh...Damn me. This song...it has a destructive effect on me. I’m hopelessly addicted. It literally sweeps me off my feet and spins me around. I lie here motionless while it plays its tricks on me...honestly its driving me crazy. (rite I have put it off. thank goodness.) The bewilderment. The conflict within. I remember it well. I remember the sleepless nights, the lonely walks, and the frustration. I have always wished there was someone to talk to. But damn now I have even lost the will to talk. ...yo...i think I am dumb. I think I am dumb. But maybe I am just happy!One moment I have the strength, the sense to deal with it. It just becomes like another not so damned important sweet memory. I am controlling my emotions then. But the very next moment they are controlling me. I feel weak in the knees, the somersaults start with their full force. And I feel as if I’m being ripped in a whirlpool. God save me...............everything’s my fault...all in all is all we are...yay yay yay yay...well u'd agree I’m downright stupid. Even today. Actually I have grown worse. The only thing is that it’s not so obvious anymore. For as I said I like to keep myself to myself nowadays...I just don’t get watz the end gonna be...I’m sick an tired of losing. Come on god, watchya thinkin.?? Yeh all in all is all we are!
Ever heard of being trapped inside your own body? Huh! Ask me. the price I pay for this awkward piece of flesh and blood which seems to have no connection with Me ,its too high. The feeling of suffocation, the endless suffering, the knowledge of something lesser, something that is inferior, and the guilt of it all just doesn’t leave.....like a mist of dense smog it engulfs me. From every side I am surrounded....... where and when my sense of alienation was born, how it all began, just when and how I sowed the seeds for my own doom...I am clueless. But the pain that surges in my every corner today, which stands guard as I work, eyes me lustily while I rest and laugh, an makes love to me every night, that pain is the consequence of my biggest crime--the crime of murdering myself .Slowly and secretly but surely. I am so skilful at losing control of myself. Did it today and yesterday and the day b4...always promise myself that this day won't be like the rest, that I’ll make it, today I’ll shed off my false skin and jus be Me. But the image somewhere in the back of my mind is too vague to take over. Promising but too weak to reach the surface. It just sinks back to the bottom of the ocean every night. The Hidden Ocean. That sighs silently. Who am I? What do I want? Who’s my culprit? Is this life worth living? Will I cry tonight?Ah. Dunno.

Everything i build

The tide is high
I've never been so low
You got room to grow

You can never look up
You can't ever look down
You get kicked around

But I built it with sand
And I built it with rock
I built it with all of the
Things that I'm not
And I watch from the hill
As it burns to the ground
I can still see the smoke
From my train out of town

Everything I build is breaking down

I close my eyes
Scared of what I saw
Are you mad at all?
Been an open book
Been a slamming door
Apple of the Trojan War

Everything I build is breaking down
Everything I build is breaking down

Drink a little bit
Dance a little bit
Take a chance
I lose it all
I have no remorse no regrets
When I'm hanging from
This seventeenth floor

The tide is high
Never been so low
You got room to grow

Everything I build is breaking down

She’s a monster, but there were a few things she got right. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and she were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. And I know who I can’t live without.

I love you, three words that mean so little to so many. How can three words cover all four corners of the heart, vast reaches of the mind, and the infinite bounds of the human soul itself? The love that binds two people and makes them one. An unseen force that carries beyond the physical love, to great happiness at a look, a smile and understanding. Are two who truly love ever really apart?

Yes "I love you" seems like empty words compared to the range and depth with which in lies my true feelings. My hearts blood is yours and it flows in all parts of my body. My mind and thoughts are yours. My soul waits beyond this frail life to travel forever together with you. 

Hell

Hate me, kick me, ridicuile me if u may. but you can never do it as much as i do it myself. and yet it brings me no relief. my heart is full to bursting. the pain is like a living, writhing snake dwelling on my wounds, sucking on my composure, occasionally ripping away the veil of calmness and indifference that i wear. then like the reflection of the blazing sun in calm waters, you might momentarily see the agony of my soul in my lifeless, wet eyes. It's a hell in there. A hell i do not want to admit to,yet i cannot deny. A place i nurtured and cherished myself, imagining it to be my little haven-my path to eternal solace. Yet have i found the peace, the paradise i was looking for? Honestly, no. Instead i have become something close to a Dead Man Walking. I carry this prevalent anarchy, this feeling which no words can describe-my little secret in my soul everywhere i go. It's like i have to keep the truth of my existence buried somewhere deep inside and face the world in the only state it understands and tolerates- a state of thoughtless, silly, superficial mirth and senseless hyperactivity. Sometimes the burden weighs me down...brings me to the edge...threatens to kill me. Then suddenly it becomes lighter, easier to bear, almost a gay, flippant feeling...but it never, even for one second, leaves me alone. Why me I wonder? why now? But then maybe my bittersweet tragedy is only a step to something bigger. I am certainly no more the vulnerable child I used to be. I have undoubtedly come of age. This has changed my life, changed me. Things will never be the same again....

Caring Who????

sumtimes life gets so swishy…it needs answers..it demands decisivness…an dat requires a line of thought…a set of values..an damn! it requires attitude..guts damnit guts! it freaks me.. a stare.. a scorn..a nasty smirk…leavz me gaspin..topples me over..throws me off my feet..this life does…….. my fears? haha…im a kid…jus a darned kid tryin ta find his way…like a newborn tryin ta tell red from blue..green from yellow…head from toe..friend from foe…gaspin at the world: in wonder…an disgust! Each day i fight a battle— a battle against my lonliness..a battle against paranoia… against my fate..every night i go to bed..knowing i’ve lost through one more day.one battle two battle three battle…ha! this life is a goddamned war, isnt it? an im a damned loser.. its crazy..sumtimes the way i feel..i wanna run..an run..an jus keep runin..run myself nutts if u may say…feel the wind on my face..listen to the chirping of faraway birds..feel the adranaline rush..run away an fade into nuthingness…… (hmmm.. to get lost in wilderness…to walk by sume beautiful lake…in moonlite…but wats the use of dreaming?)im supposed to know…rite an wrong…good an bad…left an rite..in an out…but how? im jus a kid… just a darned kid…lost…wandering…helpless…scared… an burnin..yeh burnin from within..being literally eaten..by a rage..a fire..a fire with no smoke..but only an eternal scar..a ruthless outrageous scar..dat disfigures–the picture the memory–the past the present–an who knows the future? hangin between this an dat..him an her..good an bad..the coolioes an the nerds…the winners an losers..searching for…WHAT?… ME? or is it her? ha! a lost identity…an a life ive never touched…. (lol..whom i kiddin?)

How Many Times

I've had enough, and I'm feeling a little beat.
I don't know what the future holds for me.
But I tell myself I don't give a damn
'Cause my life is in pieces and I forgot who I am.

I can't lose myself, kill my pride.
For the things I took for granted at my side
But they still expect me to pay the cost.
Can't keep blaming myself for the love that I've lost.

How many times will I have to go
Through this vicious circle, again and again?
How many times before I know
This road will lead to the same bitter pain?
The sweetness of lies and the sourness of the truth,
Cruel betrayals and love's burning shame,
And/ how many times, from beginning to end,
Will I have to play these silly games?

Because I'm so frail,
They say I'm/ destined for hell
Why then am I so blind
Searching for heaven heaven divine?
Did love's redemption redemption fail?

What's the source source of my strife?
What's the price for my life?
The wrong, the right, a penny, or fortune?
But for me, the lines are blurred
For pain is my portion.

Hurt

I hurt myself today 
To see if I still feel 
I focus on the pain 
The only thing that's real 
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting 
Try to kill it all away 
But I remember everything 

What have I become 
My sweetest friend 
Everyone I know goes away 
In the end 
And you could have it all 
My empire of dirt 
I will let you down 
I will make you hurt 

I wear this crown of thorns 
Upon my liar's chair 
Full of broken thoughts 
I cannot repair 
Beneath the stains of time 
The feelings disappear 
You are someone else 
I am still right here 

What have I become 
My sweetest friend 
Everyone I know goes away 
In the end 
And you could have it all 
My empire of dirt 
I will let you down 
I will make you hurt 

If I could start again 
A million miles away 
I would keep myself 
I would find a way

Sweet isn't sweet no more

Let me burn
Please let me burn
In the crazy manifestations of life
Please let me mourn
The sorrow of being a nonentity
The trepidation that came true
The flower that was
Please let me dwell
On the possibility of return
On the life that could be

Another life wasted twisted by others
Hoping to remain as I was
Striving to get what I had
Leading a life none wants
Being a person none wants
Leaving behind nothing
None to stand up for me not even the person I want

The seed that was planted
By mistakes made by others
By prizes reaped by others
Hold me prisoner
To my actions
Only done to please them
Killing myself in the process
For the love that I had
That goes unnoticed

How long can one be kept waiting
How long can one be had wanting
The limit is here the limit is now
It’s all my fault and mine alone
Alone I should bear the burden
Of this long wait
That seems to be thinning my life out
Killing me from the inside
Gnawing at the life that I have left

Someone please tell her I love her
Believing me appears to be the problem
I want to wait I can wait I will wait
But the price I pay for it is in dreams shattered.