Hell

Hate me, kick me, ridicuile me if u may. but you can never do it as much as i do it myself. and yet it brings me no relief. my heart is full to bursting. the pain is like a living, writhing snake dwelling on my wounds, sucking on my composure, occasionally ripping away the veil of calmness and indifference that i wear. then like the reflection of the blazing sun in calm waters, you might momentarily see the agony of my soul in my lifeless, wet eyes. It's a hell in there. A hell i do not want to admit to,yet i cannot deny. A place i nurtured and cherished myself, imagining it to be my little haven-my path to eternal solace. Yet have i found the peace, the paradise i was looking for? Honestly, no. Instead i have become something close to a Dead Man Walking. I carry this prevalent anarchy, this feeling which no words can describe-my little secret in my soul everywhere i go. It's like i have to keep the truth of my existence buried somewhere deep inside and face the world in the only state it understands and tolerates- a state of thoughtless, silly, superficial mirth and senseless hyperactivity. Sometimes the burden weighs me down...brings me to the edge...threatens to kill me. Then suddenly it becomes lighter, easier to bear, almost a gay, flippant feeling...but it never, even for one second, leaves me alone. Why me I wonder? why now? But then maybe my bittersweet tragedy is only a step to something bigger. I am certainly no more the vulnerable child I used to be. I have undoubtedly come of age. This has changed my life, changed me. Things will never be the same again....