Point of no return

Passing the point of return doesn't just happen; it's a choice that we make. A line we decide to cross and then we live with the consequences. There are no promises of a positive outcome, no guarantees. All we can really count on is that things will change and we will have to live with the consequences. And that’s the hard part, because we are defined by our past. We can rethink our choices a million times but what we decide we own it, becomes a part of who we are. While we may be crossing the river, our footprints will always remain on the other side.

Trapped

Ever heard of being trapped inside your own body? huh! ask me.the price i pay for this awkward peice of flesh and blood which seems to have no connectiom with Me,its too high. The feeling of suffocation, the endless suffering, the knowledge of something lesser,something that is inferior, an the guilt of it all just doesnt leave.....like a mist of dense smog it engulfs me. From every side i am surrounded....... where and when my sense of aleination was born, how it all began, jus when an how i sowed the seeds for my own doom...i am clueless. But the pain that surges in my every corner today, which stands guard as i work, eyes me lustly while i rest and laugh, an makes love to me every night, that pain is the consequence of my biggest crime--the crime of murdering myself .Slowly and secretly but surely. I am so skilfull at losing control of myself. did it today an yesterday an the day b4...always promise myself dat this day won't be like the rest, that i'll make it, today i'll shed off my false skin and jus be Me. But the image somewhere in the back of my mind is too vague to take over. Promising but too weak to reach the surface. It just sinks back to the bottom of the ocean every night. The Hidden Ocean.That sighs silently. Who am i? What do I want? Whose my culprit? Is this life worth living?

How I needed you, how I bleed now you're gone. In my dreams I see you I awake so alone.
I know you didn't want to leave your heart yearned to stay but the strength I always loved in you finally gave way.
Somehow I knew you would leave me this way, somehow I knew you could never stay and in the early morning light after a silent peaceful night you took my heart away and I grieve.
In my dreams I can see you I can tell you how I feel In my dreams I can hold you and it feels so real.
I still feel the pain, I still feel your love, I still feel the pain, I still feel your love.
I wished, I wished you could have stayed.

The Conflict

The knots in my stomach. Its doing somersaults. I swear. I am not unhappy. Just scared. Scared of my happiness if you know what I mean. I have learnt that a single smile leads to a thousand tears. I have felt this pain so many times before. It’s too agonizing... I just don’t want to suffer again. So I am scared. My own feelings betray me. Somewhere inside I am getting the knack that I don’t really deserve this happiness. As if no matter what those words will have me believe, how many jokes I share, how much laughter echoes in the night....it doesn’t really change the fact that I’m a nobody. That I belong nowhere. That my past is nothing but a torturing, horrendous nightmare, my present nothing but utter confusion and my future nothing but a dark and treacherous abyss. Ahh...Damn me. This song...it has a destructive effect on me. I’m hopelessly addicted. It literally sweeps me off my feet and spins me around. I lie here motionless while it plays its tricks on me...honestly its driving me crazy. (rite I have put it off. thank goodness.) The bewilderment. The conflict within. I remember it well. I remember the sleepless nights, the lonely walks, and the frustration. I have always wished there was someone to talk to. But damn now I have even lost the will to talk. ...yo...i think I am dumb. I think I am dumb. But maybe I am just happy!One moment I have the strength, the sense to deal with it. It just becomes like another not so damned important sweet memory. I am controlling my emotions then. But the very next moment they are controlling me. I feel weak in the knees, the somersaults start with their full force. And I feel as if I’m being ripped in a whirlpool. God save me...............everything’s my fault...all in all is all we are...yay yay yay yay...well u'd agree I’m downright stupid. Even today. Actually I have grown worse. The only thing is that it’s not so obvious anymore. For as I said I like to keep myself to myself nowadays...I just don’t get watz the end gonna be...I’m sick an tired of losing. Come on god, watchya thinkin.?? Yeh all in all is all we are!
Ever heard of being trapped inside your own body? Huh! Ask me. the price I pay for this awkward piece of flesh and blood which seems to have no connection with Me ,its too high. The feeling of suffocation, the endless suffering, the knowledge of something lesser, something that is inferior, and the guilt of it all just doesn’t leave.....like a mist of dense smog it engulfs me. From every side I am surrounded....... where and when my sense of alienation was born, how it all began, just when and how I sowed the seeds for my own doom...I am clueless. But the pain that surges in my every corner today, which stands guard as I work, eyes me lustily while I rest and laugh, an makes love to me every night, that pain is the consequence of my biggest crime--the crime of murdering myself .Slowly and secretly but surely. I am so skilful at losing control of myself. Did it today and yesterday and the day b4...always promise myself that this day won't be like the rest, that I’ll make it, today I’ll shed off my false skin and jus be Me. But the image somewhere in the back of my mind is too vague to take over. Promising but too weak to reach the surface. It just sinks back to the bottom of the ocean every night. The Hidden Ocean. That sighs silently. Who am I? What do I want? Who’s my culprit? Is this life worth living? Will I cry tonight?Ah. Dunno.

Everything i build

The tide is high
I've never been so low
You got room to grow

You can never look up
You can't ever look down
You get kicked around

But I built it with sand
And I built it with rock
I built it with all of the
Things that I'm not
And I watch from the hill
As it burns to the ground
I can still see the smoke
From my train out of town

Everything I build is breaking down

I close my eyes
Scared of what I saw
Are you mad at all?
Been an open book
Been a slamming door
Apple of the Trojan War

Everything I build is breaking down
Everything I build is breaking down

Drink a little bit
Dance a little bit
Take a chance
I lose it all
I have no remorse no regrets
When I'm hanging from
This seventeenth floor

The tide is high
Never been so low
You got room to grow

Everything I build is breaking down

She’s a monster, but there were a few things she got right. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and she were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger. And I know who I can’t live without.

I love you, three words that mean so little to so many. How can three words cover all four corners of the heart, vast reaches of the mind, and the infinite bounds of the human soul itself? The love that binds two people and makes them one. An unseen force that carries beyond the physical love, to great happiness at a look, a smile and understanding. Are two who truly love ever really apart?

Yes "I love you" seems like empty words compared to the range and depth with which in lies my true feelings. My hearts blood is yours and it flows in all parts of my body. My mind and thoughts are yours. My soul waits beyond this frail life to travel forever together with you. 

Hell

Hate me, kick me, ridicuile me if u may. but you can never do it as much as i do it myself. and yet it brings me no relief. my heart is full to bursting. the pain is like a living, writhing snake dwelling on my wounds, sucking on my composure, occasionally ripping away the veil of calmness and indifference that i wear. then like the reflection of the blazing sun in calm waters, you might momentarily see the agony of my soul in my lifeless, wet eyes. It's a hell in there. A hell i do not want to admit to,yet i cannot deny. A place i nurtured and cherished myself, imagining it to be my little haven-my path to eternal solace. Yet have i found the peace, the paradise i was looking for? Honestly, no. Instead i have become something close to a Dead Man Walking. I carry this prevalent anarchy, this feeling which no words can describe-my little secret in my soul everywhere i go. It's like i have to keep the truth of my existence buried somewhere deep inside and face the world in the only state it understands and tolerates- a state of thoughtless, silly, superficial mirth and senseless hyperactivity. Sometimes the burden weighs me down...brings me to the edge...threatens to kill me. Then suddenly it becomes lighter, easier to bear, almost a gay, flippant feeling...but it never, even for one second, leaves me alone. Why me I wonder? why now? But then maybe my bittersweet tragedy is only a step to something bigger. I am certainly no more the vulnerable child I used to be. I have undoubtedly come of age. This has changed my life, changed me. Things will never be the same again....

Caring Who????

sumtimes life gets so swishy…it needs answers..it demands decisivness…an dat requires a line of thought…a set of values..an damn! it requires attitude..guts damnit guts! it freaks me.. a stare.. a scorn..a nasty smirk…leavz me gaspin..topples me over..throws me off my feet..this life does…….. my fears? haha…im a kid…jus a darned kid tryin ta find his way…like a newborn tryin ta tell red from blue..green from yellow…head from toe..friend from foe…gaspin at the world: in wonder…an disgust! Each day i fight a battle— a battle against my lonliness..a battle against paranoia… against my fate..every night i go to bed..knowing i’ve lost through one more day.one battle two battle three battle…ha! this life is a goddamned war, isnt it? an im a damned loser.. its crazy..sumtimes the way i feel..i wanna run..an run..an jus keep runin..run myself nutts if u may say…feel the wind on my face..listen to the chirping of faraway birds..feel the adranaline rush..run away an fade into nuthingness…… (hmmm.. to get lost in wilderness…to walk by sume beautiful lake…in moonlite…but wats the use of dreaming?)im supposed to know…rite an wrong…good an bad…left an rite..in an out…but how? im jus a kid… just a darned kid…lost…wandering…helpless…scared… an burnin..yeh burnin from within..being literally eaten..by a rage..a fire..a fire with no smoke..but only an eternal scar..a ruthless outrageous scar..dat disfigures–the picture the memory–the past the present–an who knows the future? hangin between this an dat..him an her..good an bad..the coolioes an the nerds…the winners an losers..searching for…WHAT?… ME? or is it her? ha! a lost identity…an a life ive never touched…. (lol..whom i kiddin?)