Hell

Hate me, kick me, ridicuile me if u may. but you can never do it as much as i do it myself. and yet it brings me no relief. my heart is full to bursting. the pain is like a living, writhing snake dwelling on my wounds, sucking on my composure, occasionally ripping away the veil of calmness and indifference that i wear. then like the reflection of the blazing sun in calm waters, you might momentarily see the agony of my soul in my lifeless, wet eyes. It's a hell in there. A hell i do not want to admit to,yet i cannot deny. A place i nurtured and cherished myself, imagining it to be my little haven-my path to eternal solace. Yet have i found the peace, the paradise i was looking for? Honestly, no. Instead i have become something close to a Dead Man Walking. I carry this prevalent anarchy, this feeling which no words can describe-my little secret in my soul everywhere i go. It's like i have to keep the truth of my existence buried somewhere deep inside and face the world in the only state it understands and tolerates- a state of thoughtless, silly, superficial mirth and senseless hyperactivity. Sometimes the burden weighs me down...brings me to the edge...threatens to kill me. Then suddenly it becomes lighter, easier to bear, almost a gay, flippant feeling...but it never, even for one second, leaves me alone. Why me I wonder? why now? But then maybe my bittersweet tragedy is only a step to something bigger. I am certainly no more the vulnerable child I used to be. I have undoubtedly come of age. This has changed my life, changed me. Things will never be the same again....

Caring Who????

sumtimes life gets so swishy…it needs answers..it demands decisivness…an dat requires a line of thought…a set of values..an damn! it requires attitude..guts damnit guts! it freaks me.. a stare.. a scorn..a nasty smirk…leavz me gaspin..topples me over..throws me off my feet..this life does…….. my fears? haha…im a kid…jus a darned kid tryin ta find his way…like a newborn tryin ta tell red from blue..green from yellow…head from toe..friend from foe…gaspin at the world: in wonder…an disgust! Each day i fight a battle— a battle against my lonliness..a battle against paranoia… against my fate..every night i go to bed..knowing i’ve lost through one more day.one battle two battle three battle…ha! this life is a goddamned war, isnt it? an im a damned loser.. its crazy..sumtimes the way i feel..i wanna run..an run..an jus keep runin..run myself nutts if u may say…feel the wind on my face..listen to the chirping of faraway birds..feel the adranaline rush..run away an fade into nuthingness…… (hmmm.. to get lost in wilderness…to walk by sume beautiful lake…in moonlite…but wats the use of dreaming?)im supposed to know…rite an wrong…good an bad…left an rite..in an out…but how? im jus a kid… just a darned kid…lost…wandering…helpless…scared… an burnin..yeh burnin from within..being literally eaten..by a rage..a fire..a fire with no smoke..but only an eternal scar..a ruthless outrageous scar..dat disfigures–the picture the memory–the past the present–an who knows the future? hangin between this an dat..him an her..good an bad..the coolioes an the nerds…the winners an losers..searching for…WHAT?… ME? or is it her? ha! a lost identity…an a life ive never touched…. (lol..whom i kiddin?)