Ever heard of being trapped inside your own body? Huh! Ask me. the price I pay for this awkward piece of flesh and blood which seems to have no connection with Me ,its too high. The feeling of suffocation, the endless suffering, the knowledge of something lesser, something that is inferior, and the guilt of it all just doesn’t leave.....like a mist of dense smog it engulfs me. From every side I am surrounded....... where and when my sense of alienation was born, how it all began, just when and how I sowed the seeds for my own doom...I am clueless. But the pain that surges in my every corner today, which stands guard as I work, eyes me lustily while I rest and laugh, an makes love to me every night, that pain is the consequence of my biggest crime--the crime of murdering myself .Slowly and secretly but surely. I am so skilful at losing control of myself. Did it today and yesterday and the day b4...always promise myself that this day won't be like the rest, that I’ll make it, today I’ll shed off my false skin and jus be Me. But the image somewhere in the back of my mind is too vague to take over. Promising but too weak to reach the surface. It just sinks back to the bottom of the ocean every night. The Hidden Ocean. That sighs silently. Who am I? What do I want? Who’s my culprit? Is this life worth living? Will I cry tonight?Ah. Dunno.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Conflict
The knots in my stomach. Its doing somersaults. I swear. I am not unhappy. Just scared. Scared of my happiness if you know what I mean. I have learnt that a single smile leads to a thousand tears. I have felt this pain so many times before. It’s too agonizing... I just don’t want to suffer again. So I am scared. My own feelings betray me. Somewhere inside I am getting the knack that I don’t really deserve this happiness. As if no matter what those words will have me believe, how many jokes I share, how much laughter echoes in the night....it doesn’t really change the fact that I’m a nobody. That I belong nowhere. That my past is nothing but a torturing, horrendous nightmare, my present nothing but utter confusion and my future nothing but a dark and treacherous abyss. Ahh...Damn me. This song...it has a destructive effect on me. I’m hopelessly addicted. It literally sweeps me off my feet and spins me around. I lie here motionless while it plays its tricks on me...honestly its driving me crazy. (rite I have put it off. thank goodness.) The bewilderment. The conflict within. I remember it well. I remember the sleepless nights, the lonely walks, and the frustration. I have always wished there was someone to talk to. But damn now I have even lost the will to talk. ...yo...i think I am dumb. I think I am dumb. But maybe I am just happy!One moment I have the strength, the sense to deal with it. It just becomes like another not so damned important sweet memory. I am controlling my emotions then. But the very next moment they are controlling me. I feel weak in the knees, the somersaults start with their full force. And I feel as if I’m being ripped in a whirlpool. God save me...............everything’s my fault...all in all is all we are...yay yay yay yay...well u'd agree I’m downright stupid. Even today. Actually I have grown worse. The only thing is that it’s not so obvious anymore. For as I said I like to keep myself to myself nowadays...I just don’t get watz the end gonna be...I’m sick an tired of losing. Come on god, watchya thinkin.?? Yeh all in all is all we are!
Ever heard of being trapped inside your own body? Huh! Ask me. the price I pay for this awkward piece of flesh and blood which seems to have no connection with Me ,its too high. The feeling of suffocation, the endless suffering, the knowledge of something lesser, something that is inferior, and the guilt of it all just doesn’t leave.....like a mist of dense smog it engulfs me. From every side I am surrounded....... where and when my sense of alienation was born, how it all began, just when and how I sowed the seeds for my own doom...I am clueless. But the pain that surges in my every corner today, which stands guard as I work, eyes me lustily while I rest and laugh, an makes love to me every night, that pain is the consequence of my biggest crime--the crime of murdering myself .Slowly and secretly but surely. I am so skilful at losing control of myself. Did it today and yesterday and the day b4...always promise myself that this day won't be like the rest, that I’ll make it, today I’ll shed off my false skin and jus be Me. But the image somewhere in the back of my mind is too vague to take over. Promising but too weak to reach the surface. It just sinks back to the bottom of the ocean every night. The Hidden Ocean. That sighs silently. Who am I? What do I want? Who’s my culprit? Is this life worth living? Will I cry tonight?Ah. Dunno.
Ever heard of being trapped inside your own body? Huh! Ask me. the price I pay for this awkward piece of flesh and blood which seems to have no connection with Me ,its too high. The feeling of suffocation, the endless suffering, the knowledge of something lesser, something that is inferior, and the guilt of it all just doesn’t leave.....like a mist of dense smog it engulfs me. From every side I am surrounded....... where and when my sense of alienation was born, how it all began, just when and how I sowed the seeds for my own doom...I am clueless. But the pain that surges in my every corner today, which stands guard as I work, eyes me lustily while I rest and laugh, an makes love to me every night, that pain is the consequence of my biggest crime--the crime of murdering myself .Slowly and secretly but surely. I am so skilful at losing control of myself. Did it today and yesterday and the day b4...always promise myself that this day won't be like the rest, that I’ll make it, today I’ll shed off my false skin and jus be Me. But the image somewhere in the back of my mind is too vague to take over. Promising but too weak to reach the surface. It just sinks back to the bottom of the ocean every night. The Hidden Ocean. That sighs silently. Who am I? What do I want? Who’s my culprit? Is this life worth living? Will I cry tonight?Ah. Dunno.
